2/28/25

Sharing emotions is so gross and embarrassing. I don’t want to feel weak or small. But I do. I feel vulnerable and desperate. I feel disgusting. If I write it in passive tense and maybe I can stomach the words on the page. If I am not the subject maybe it’s okay to say it. To be cared for and loved by a romantic partner when you’re having a health issue must be one of the greatest feelings in the world. To be held and told it’s okay every evening as you lay down staring into the darkness for hours must be so comforting. It’s more than reading someone’s words in your own head. It’s physical. It’s present. It’s there. But each night I am alone. I’m alone with a semi permanent frown on my face. I only reveal it under the safety of darkness; a secret kept between me and the moon. This is awful.

I want to be brave and strong and resilient and whatever everyone tells me that I am. I want to be what I should be. But it’s so exhausting. I’ve realized not everyone lives their lives in constant pursuit or being perfect or right. They just act. I want to be wrong without it being evil or the end of the world. I want to use the health card without being called out. I have to get a major organ removed, will you please pretend you still care about me? Just to get me through this? Will you call me once more? Now that I’m suffering, can I be yours? How much suffering until I’m finally pure enough to deserve my desires? Nothing makes me clean.

But that’s manipulative to share with someone (who never replied). But it’s human too. I’m tired of the judgement. I want to exist without the judge, jury, and executioner over my head. Release the firing squad. Let them go home. I’m over it. Come with me to the hospital please. Hold my hand while I sleep. Defend me from the nurse. Wipe my tears with your palms. Hold me as I sleep. Help me as I heal. I need help. Aarel needs help. I want to do it all alone but I can’t. I’m afraid and I want to delude myself into thinking I’m fine but the flashbacks I get whenever I smell anything “clinical” (the soap from the hospital in particular) brings me back to my terrible hospital stay. And what if that happens and you’re not here? Then what? I’m afraid.

My family and friends are here to help me. But I worry that the person who I’m supposed to have in my life to sacrifice for me at this age (a husband) I don’t have. I’m nowhere near it. No one has stuck around for longer than 6 months. It’s always goodbye Aarel. I’m not good enough Aarel. I can’t do this Aarel. Where is I love you and want to take on life with you Aarel? Where is that? I’m tired of being lonely.

I have friends yes I have friends I know. I know. I KNOW. And I’m so grateful. My family loves me. I’m grateful that I’m not truly alone. But they can’t replace the specific thing that I want. But they will do their best as they try. So I’m incredibly fortunate in this area.

Living alone is making it harder. My cat can only do so much. I just need someone to stand in the eye of the tornado with me. I hate to ask for help. But I need some stupid help.