Red Flags

What are red flags to someone with rose colored glasses?
What is love to someone who’s never had it?
Was your only intention to take advantage
Of someone who accepted crumbs of affection as currency?
Because you made me believe the bare minimum was better than nothing
You knew I dreamed in pink- I wanted to feel something. 
No matter how bad it burned
You lured me in until there was no point of return. 
Why am I never good enough?


Apologies were thrown at me in forms of gifts and empty promises
I was convinced you were the missing half of me because
At eighteen, I didn’t know I was already a whole person 
You are my lifeline
And over time 
The love that lured me in slowly decayed.
I dragged myself through the trenches of a relationship so bare 
That nothing but pain could possibly grow through the cracks of it, but I stayed. 
I should be grateful.


I longed for kindness and affection in a place where none existed. 
For years I lived in your desert hoping that one day I’d get a little taste of your rain. 
“Just a drop”, is all I’d ask with my hands held out
But you told me I was asking for too much- so I adapted.
I waited idle clutching to my favorite picture of us and kept my mouth shut
Because any mention Of my personal feelings was an inconvenience to you.
I should be grateful.


I bit my tongue and clenched my jaws 
Until blood dripped- and I still found myself defending you.
I sat beside you parched, thirsty, and hurting, while
You showered her with the same lines you said when we met. 
“Please just a drop”, 
I begged- until I convinced myself water wasn’t necessary to live. 
I should be grateful.


For years I scratched and scraped at the bottom of a barrel, 
Clinging to any words of affirmation you could spare to me 
Out of your pathetic existence, like a rich man tossing pocket change into my cup. 
The very same cup that poured all my love into yours 
Until mine was empty and yours full again. 
And then you left.

Waves of sadness roll in and out again 
Followed by a rage with no direction. 
No ears to hear
The piercing words leave my mouth that I’ve kept hidden in my chest 
For so many years. 
No closure. 
Even with your absence you still manage to hurt me.
When I saw you with her, every window in my heart shattered 
And I was convinced the world would end 
Right then and there and the sun wouldn’t rise again because like me
The sun was just too tired to go on. 

I no longer dream in hues of pink, but rather a soft yellow. 
In the midst of your war, I found peace.
And now the sun's warmth touches my face gently every morning 
And reminds me that I have to keep going 
And that love still exists in many places, in many forms, 
And in many people 
And I am worthy of it all.
And for that I am grateful.

– Michaela Foster, artist