I Was Too Much

I have been incredibly uncertain about what to do for my second post on this blog. I try to write poems sometimes, and I wrote this poem last month. I hope you guys like it! (Do not worry, I am ✨okay✨) Also, if anyone has any title suggestions please leave a comment!
 
 
 
Untitled
 
I don’t want to feel
Anything
I don’t want to feel for you
Or for me
Because I have a tendency to overwhelm.
Everything is colossal
There are no small occurrences in my eyes.
You and I and everyone else are important,
What they say what they do what they see
What they think– it’s all huge.
And so I can’t feel it.
I close the shutters and lock the doors
And sit in the shower and block you all out.
It all out.
I refuse to feel it. I won’t. I can’t.
Because if I do I’ll go all in and maybe you won’t understand.
And neither will anyone else.
And that will make it worse.
Because when the windows are open, and the doors are unlocked, people can come in.
And I like people, I love company, I’ll let them in
And we’ll have fun
And we’ll laugh, we’ll play tag in the house even though we shouldn’t.
We’ll blow bubbles and play hide and seek.
We’ll imagine a future in which we’re always friends,
Like we’re 8 years old and haven’t experienced the slow and painful death of a friendship ending–
But the time will come.
You’ll have to go, something came up, life got busy.
And you forgot me.
You forgot all of the things we did together and the laughter we shared.
So you’ll go away.
And the doors. The windows. I’ll leave them open for you in case you come back
Because I naively didn’t think you’d ever go away.
So I’ll invite you back.
So many times. Too many times.
I’ll reach out, distance doesn’t have to mean loss.
We can still laugh on the phone
Maybe we can’t run together anymore but we can make it work.
We can.
We.
But you’re an I now.
We’re not we.
And maybe you always were an I and maybe I was too intense.
I didn’t get it. I pushed those heavy windows open
I begrudgingly unlocked my doors
Because I was hoping a good person would come and they would stay.
But you went away. They went away.
And you didn’t try to return.
You liked the new normal and I didn’t. 
I tried to keep the old normal but you didn’t.
And so I lock the doors again.
I close the windows.
And I’m alone.
I’m living one of my worst nightmares in which I’ve been abandoned and I’m not sure why.
But you’re happy
And I’m happy that you’re happy but
Why did things have to change?
Why can’t they be the same forever?
Maybe I’m being too dramatic
But this is why my house can get unbearably hot and dark and lonely.
This is why the air is thick and heavy within my house.
Because I can’t open the window, I won’t open the door.
If I don’t keep myself in and keep you out I’ll feel it.
I’ll feel this, over and over and over again
And the locks on the doors are incredibly difficult to unfasten
The windows take all of my strength to push open
So it meant something when I let you in my house
Or at least I thought it did
 
 
 
Part 2
 
I guess I never noticed that your house was different
You had revolving doors
And maybe that’s the key all along
Revolving doors.
They don’t keep a person in or out
Revolving doors are a type of freedom
And I like this type of freedom, don’t get me wrong
But how do you get people to stay?
 
                                                         –A.C.

Leave a comment and let me know what you think!💕