breaking my silence

I would like to preface this by saying it won’t be as beautifully typed as I normally try because I’m typing this into the notes app on my phone.

I don’t feel like I get to live in words anymore.

College was full of reading and learning and discussing; laughing and talking and singing. Now my life is full of rushed moments and stressful thoughts; images, frowns, cold drives to work. This is simply too much.

I don’t have time or energy or even a person to engage in thoughtful conversations with anymore. I want to talk about what something MEANS ya know? Pick apart a concept or a piece of media. What do we think this is really about? What is it alluding to? Why is it important? As a former English major I really miss these types of discussions. These days instead of forming thoughts or reading or learning anything, I am consuming opinions online. I am basing myself on others success. I am being yelled at at work. I am tired of the monotony.

I can’t get anywhere on time. I don’t know why it’s so hard (we will find out if I have ADHD in June). I’ve been late to work everyday for the last like 5 days. And I’m trying not to be. It’s so simple but it’s so hard for me. The time is like sand just slipping through my fingers then a gust of wind comes and blows it away and I’m just confused and left behind. Everything is NOW. There’s a moment and then it’s gone and I’m spending each fleeting one rushing. I can’t catch up.

In college, especially my final year, I spent a lot of time having fun. Mentally it was my worse year, at times I worried I wouldn’t graduate on time. But I had a super active social life for the first time and it was wonderful and I felt full and loved but now no one lives near me. I’m an adult in their hometown where friends current and old, do not live. I try to fill the void with men (bad idea, who would’ve thought!) and they just make it worse. Recently, each conversation I have with a man just gives me a headache. These dudes have the worst opinions and zero respect for me as a person. They have plenty of respect for me as an object, a conquest, a hole. But I’m a whole person. That’s what I want to be. 

I really just want some friends near me. My friends (far away from me) love me, but I’d like some love up close too.  Friendships have mostly been much more fulfilling than any romantic relationship I’ve tried to pursue. They love me because I’m me. That’s it. And that’s beautiful. 

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted something. I want to write more. I think this is important for me to do because I need to get back to words. To thoughts. I feel so…in a way I just don’t feel like myself anymore. Writing is harder than it used to be and I don’t like that. I don’t want to lose this part of my identity. This was all over the place but I won’t worry about perfection I’ll just worry about consistency. We try and try again and one day we’ll get it right. Bye!                     – Aarel