Dating, especially in the post Covid world era, is stressful and weird, presenting itself with what seems, at least to me, to be the most difficult terrain I’ve ever had to traverse. I’ve come to realize that the dating app scene can seem mindless, oftentimes feeling aimless, debilitating, and criminally objectifying. In a lot of cases even as a guy, forcing me to feel unheard, unseen, misunderstood, and out of touch with women of the 21st century.
It all came to a head with a summer fling I reconnected with via social media but originally knew from high school. One of those great summer flings that felt like it would last forever, that cinnamon apple type love (you’re too young if you don’t understand that reference). I often daydreamed about our future life together, that’s how well we matched. It was almost too good to be true, and sadly it was. I take dating seriously, I want to make a date personable, intimate, and fun and with this girl I was determined to build something strong! We spent every day of summer 2020 together in bittersweet anticipation of her moving to Boston at the end of the summer for her master’s program. We defied the limitations of the pandemic together and fell madly in love. I remember often we would be dumbstruck as to why we didn’t find one another sooner. We spent the entire day together the day before she left for Boston. I took her to a take-out breakfast at a diner near Lake Michigan, followed by a pilgrimage around the state to find the perfect hatchback picnic lunch spot while blasting our favorite songs the entire way. Only to finally come back home for a late dinner with the sunset as our backdrop. As our 12 hour and 45 minute date came to an end, she told me she hated me for making her fall in love and kissed me. I said I loved her too and kissed her harder. I have never felt so good in my life. I finally understood what it meant to have butterflies erupt from your abdomen without a single care about how you’d survive.
Despite her physical absence, our love seemed to continue to bloom as she settled into her program. Without pause we quickly and meticulously planned when I was coming to visit. There was no vaccine available at this point, so I risked catching Covid, got tested, and flew out to visit her in Boston and we spent a nearly perfect week together. Again, I can’t stress how well we got along and vibed on every level, and I mean EVERY level lol. I’ll never forget the night before I had to fly back home, we stayed up the entire night cracking up and cuddling and once again she told me she loved me to which I paid in kind. At the crack of dawn the next morning she drove me to the airport, making plans to see each other again on the way there. We kissed as I grabbed my bags and I told her I’d miss her and said she’d miss me too. All of this love, affection, and romantic bliss, only to return from Boston, determined to marry this woman and not hear a word from her. She didn’t reply to my messages for weeks, I almost thought she died. It was so sudden and out of character, we went from falling asleep on FaceTime to this? How?
Finally, after 3 weeks of radio silence she replied to my message with feeble reasoning, citing her program as all of a sudden “being too strenuous to entertain a relationship and that some other girl would be blessed to have me”. The usual spiel when someone probably wants someone else and has to make themselves feel good about fucking you over. Legitimately heartbroken like never before, I never replied and ultimately never heard from her again.
What hurt the most, was the fact that I didn’t have a lesson to learn ya know? I didn’t know what I did wrong, even worse, I potentially didn’t do anything wrong. How could I do everything in my power to be everything and still not be enough? How could you confess your love for someone and then write them out like they never existed? It’s still kind of mind-boggling and numbing in a way. Suffice to say that experience was less than stellar. However, despite my grievances, in hindsight, I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. I discovered that, shockingly, maybe my poor experience wasn’t necessarily solely attributed to the women who seemingly matched with me only to break my heart.
No, what if it was me? My fault as well. In my ever fleeting and sometimes questionable moments of sagacity, I realized perhaps it was also my perception and expectation of total strangers both in real life and on a virtual platform. I realized my disappointment with my dating experiences both with and without dating apps wasn’t just due to my perception of being treated poorly and not being appreciated, as outlined in the short story about my Boston Girl. As much as it hurts to say, maybe it was also the fact that I made them, or projected them to be, a person or concept that they were not.
By that I mean, the key when navigating this world of ghosts, fwbs, and simps is that you shouldn’t chase your dream love in everyone you meet, conserve your energy for when you find the right person and date intelligently. To date intelligently is to pay attention to your needs, concerns, and feelings actively to make sure you receive what you’re giving. Don’t get me wrong, in order to find “The One”, you have to search for them with intent and remain purposeful. Nevertheless, search for them with calm in your heart, do not chase the concept of the “love of your life” in everyone you meet and hope that everyone who winks at you and is double-cheeked up on a Thursday afternoon will somehow become “The One”. This mindset will only rush/force things to a level it was never meant to go and bring inevitable heartbreak when they don’t turn out to be who you want them to be.
So if you haven’t found your person, your soulmate, boo thang, tenderoni, or ya stink, whatever you wanna call it, don’t worry. Healthy companionship is a multifactorial affair, and finding a single person on a planet with 7 Billion people who hits all of those factors is a task, SO BE PATIENT AND TRUST THE PROCESS. That being said, transitioning from heartbreak is also a process and an artform in itself. Blaming someone for something they cannot control isn’t conducive to your healing process. Unfortunately, thanks to Boston Girl, I’ve also learned this applies if someone falls out of love with you or their feelings for you change. Which, admittedly, is hard for me to write, but it’s true I guess people are technically allowed to end things with you. Wild right?! Cause how THE FUCKKKK is this not a crime? Especially when you think you’ve done everything right and they seem to feel the same way. In any case, yes people are allowed to not feel the same as you. I know it hurts, it really does and if you are heartbroken you should take good care of yourself and focus on healing your heart! Forgiveness is never about the other person, it’s about you. It’s about not letting a summer fling change your perspective on love, life, and happiness which is still out here for you. It’s about learning through failure how to date more intelligently while remaining passionate. It’s about you remaining in your corner, and planning your life despite who may or may not be in it any longer. Spoiler alert, I’m still searching and on the mend too so you’re not alone… but I am rooting for us as we strive, despite our haters, to find our true cinnamon apples in this crazy world!
– Best Wishes, Tristian Walker
The Philosophy of Aarel 
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