Rihanna said, “I’ve loved and I’ve lost.” back in 2012 and I didn’t know what it meant. I was only a teenager in high school. I went on my first date in college at the age of 19. That date turned into another and another and we went 9 months strong including 6 months of long-distance. The second woman I dated, we were together for over 2 years. By 23, I had been in two long term relationships but barely knew anything about myself. I loved yet I was lost.
I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in love at first sight or at least a connection. Love is a strong word for many and I don’t want to use it loosely on any media platform. In any case, I have to feel some fire inside of me to go approach a woman because my introverted self is resistant to first encounters and conversations. I will take my sweet time as I’m thinking of going the distance with this person. I once thought I was going to be married to the women I’ve dated. I’m committed from start to finish. However, if I believed love was forever, then maybe I took it for granted.
Love can be accidental, yet as a Black man I want to create a love that is intentional. If you’re waiting to fall in love by accident like they do in the movies, then you might be waiting forever or even worse, accidentally end up with the wrong person. Being intentional with your partner means to plan dates, learn their love language, and become their safe space; their home. The media typically portrays Black love as some kind of struggle or hardship, but it’s not as one dimensional as that. It isn’t negative. It’s soft, it’s warm, it’s light, and it’s magnificent, but like anything else, it takes work and compromise; but it won’t feel like work if you’re in love. However, it must all be within reason because you don’t want to lose yourself in the process.
Love is a compromise. You do get to choose what you’re willing to give up. However, if you’re young, dumb and in love, you’ll end up giving up a lot of yourself. After I graduated college, I was heading to a top university for my PhD paid in full yet I felt empty. College had its strains but I was being myself in my safe spaces. I had a community. However, being in a relationship that young, I was willing to give up a habit, hobby, or even personality if it doesn’t match my girl’s energy. Instead of walking away, you stay and make it work because you’re young, dumb and in love. It was draining for me as I’m sure it was for them.
Love is choosing yourself. Always. This is not another self-love lecture yet this is more about self-respect, self-awareness, self-esteem, and more. You have to know yourself first. That is what your twenties are for. To learn about yourself. To find your purpose. To find your spirit/faith. If you know yourself, you’ll know what you want. And as a hopeless romantic, I can approach better and/or abandon the mission at the slightest energy mismatch. As a 25 year old, I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be in my love life, career, friendships, and all. However, I give myself grace. I’m happy about my journey. I’m grateful for the love I’ve lost. I will get the love I deserve. And that’s on self-affirmation and self-love.
Love is like water. I thought you could plan love like you do your career and personal goals. I’ve been talking to a Pisces woman recently and she is as free-spirited as they come. I couldn’t tame her if I wanted to. I can’t tame love. I have to just be. I have to trust that she will continue to choose me as I choose her. Thinking someone will love me forever negates their free will to decide. And if it doesn’t last forever, then all is not lost. I’ve learned to love and to be loved. I will love today and let tomorrow come with its own waves.
By: Anonymous
The Philosophy of Aarel 
Leave a comment