My Reluctant Love

It doesn’t make sense that we fell in love as we did. 

I hated you.

I hated the way you breathed, like you held each moment carefully in fear or hope it would be your last.

Or the strides you took from the door to your room, anxiously waiting for a cycle to end so you could find peace from others.

Or the incessant need to care so deeply in a way that always ended with you hurt in their stead.

I hated the way you spoke gently and rough at the same time. Like you were afraid that if you were sure of yourself, that meant the world would have to collapse to keep rotating. That it was unnatural to be heard or seen, or for you to feel anything other than what people told you was acceptable to feel.

I hated how we recognized each other’s scars and how when they itched, you scratched at them, never complaining when they bled. You’d analyze them, acknowledge their existence and lie to them that you weren’t afraid. That in your time, you’d dealt with worse.

You felt all the shame of having them rattle you. You were used to monsters and yet, they still frightened you so deeply that it drove you mad. You would cry, but never scream and that’s what angered me the most.

It’s funny now. To reflect on that girl I hated for as long as I thought I could. 

She was a child, forced into stories that never ended like the Disney films. She needed protection and safety. She deserved compassion and kindness.

Sometimes I still see her. 

She’s like the shade, coming and going with the seasons, but never staying for long these days.

I hope that when she sees me, she’s proud. That she sees the work she’s done to become a true fairytale. 

I hope she knows that we’re still afraid of the monsters, but now we scream and tell them they aren’t welcome in our heads.

I hope that she feels how deeply I love her for everything that she gave me.  That she realizes how sorry I am to have ever hurt her or let her be hurt. 

That she and I were always meant to be together.

– Charin Fox, Future Nurse and Lover of All Things Beautiful